Blackout International

Pilgrims and Indians: Before it went sour...A look at man's best intentions.

or

"So I see!" said the blind man to the deaf dog.

Note: this is a pre-giving thanks rant. Sort of a yang to the yin tomorrow. That being said, I will have PLENTY to be thankful about tomorrow, and will gladly share it with all of you.

Some relatively famous person once said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". Can't we also say then that "The road littered with good intentions ultimately leads to hell."? In which case, shouldn't we see our fate ahead of time? No. Because we are less enlightened creatures than we would like to believe. We stumble blindly onto the road, in what we think are well executed, thought out, and precise steps, and simply fumble our way toward the random. We cannot determine the outcome of an undertaking, even with a large amount of planning. It either happens, or it doesn't. It helps, of course, to be prepared, but ultimately, there is still a decent percentage of chance in our calculations.

In similar fashion, we trust a man with a pointy hat and staff who tells us assuredly about the afterlife, or even better, about proper conduct to ensure a happy afterlife. Holy crap! Are you telling me that if I listen to this man, and do what he tells me to, I will have a pleasant afterlife? Wow. He must have a direct link to the universe! Where's the cable coming out of his head? Oh, he doesn't have one? Well, surely, it must be a wireless connection then. I have a wireless card in my notebook...May I be enlightened too? No? Oh. How does he speak with the infinite then? Oh, the infinite has chosen him and him only? Ahhhh. Ok. Huh. So, you must have heard a booming voice say "I choose him as the mouthpiece of the infinite", and seen some pyrotechnics of sorts? No? Well, how do you know what you know then? Oh, pointy-hat man told you? OK. Now I see. Whatever.

In Short, never underestimate the uncertainty when other humans are involved. Man, for the most part, is inherently evil, and will do whatever he/she can to come out on top, even if that means putting you at the bottom in the process. Ever tried to buy a car? Gotta go.

Links updated.

My "This man is a genius" (rathergood.com) link has been updated. You will love this simply because you do not have the strength to do otherwise. Rathergood.com is a titan, and will roll over your silly little life.

Run.

I have to run, but cannot. Logic tells me to do so. Every fiber of my being says "Turn tail, and don't forget to watch your six in the red glow of the taillights".

Conventional wisdom says, "Pack it in, you have lost this, and besides - you never wanted it". How the hell does conventional wisdom know what I want?

Sidenote/mental picture: I always picture "talking heads" as the figureheads for conventional wisdom. Kind of like my own personal news network just for my psyche. Ted Koppell says "You are better than her, bucko. Keep your head up". Right at that moment, Connie Chung pipes in, saying "That's right sweetie. You'll do better next time".

Well, F*ck conventional wisdom. F*ck it, with a capital F. Screw what everyone else thinks is good for me.

I cannot, and frankly, won't listen anymore. I will not accept my place in line, I will not be comfortable. In fact, I refuse to be comfortable.

I want to live life. I want to drink from the well-spring of possibility. I want to build and precariously balance my life on the egde of a well-eroded limestone cliff, far above the cold sea. I want to know the ecstacy of living life in controlled chaos. I want to look for trouble, but not too much of it. I want my senses to be alight with input that is not my own creation. I want to leave life to doing it's job for once. I want to flick off my lightswitch, and have the lights burn relentlessly regardless of my actions. I want to say to myself "Well, that was not supposed to happen".

In short, I want to exist. Exist as a pale and fragile soul amidst the maelstrom. Exist because I can deal with it. Exist because I am, and will be.

I really don't want to be myself today.

I'm really sick and tired of being strong. I really need warm fuzzies right now. I just want to curl up, and have someone wrap their arms around me. Nice dream. Oh well. Maybe I'll just sleep instead.

Welcome to the new sickness, pt 1. - Snakebit.

You can suck out the poison, but you can't cure me;
You can suck out the poison, but just let it be.

Been bitten by you again, and thank god for that;
It woke me up, and gave me something to combat;

I am sick, I am tainted, and I am bleeding;
But I am better, I am stronger, and I am feeding;

On your lies, on your hate;
on your crimes, on your mistake.

You can suck out the posion, but you can't cure me;
You can suck out the poison, but just let it be.

Links Added.

Added some links over on the left. Have fun.

Life...before the precious moment of serendipity, and the beautiful journey that awaits the willing.

The original post appeared on Nov 17th. This is part deux...

Ok, I have had some more time to ponder life, love, and my general experiences of their interrelation. The bottom line I keep coming up with is as follows: Life is enhanced by love, and love enhances life. Life can exist easily without love, but lacks certain qualities that cannot be had any other way. Having the opportunity to share one's self completely with another is probably the most profound way love hyper-enables lives. Even just knowing there is someone out there that has your best interests at heart, and will treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve, is a very comforting feeling. I know personally that love has gotten me out of bed many days I probably would not have done so, if under only my own steam. Like I said, love is an enabler. It is also the most basic motivator, because it allows one to feel passionate, and act on that passion. Through that passion, one becomes more motivated in every aspect of their life. In my opinion, this occurs on a more basic level than any other ideal, whether it be political, religious, or sociological. Ok...there may have to be three parts to this. I'm outta steam again. Bye.

The Alabaster Cage

Here I am now, in the cage. I have plenty of keys, but I cannot, must not let myself out. I must be let out. I built this cage for myself, not to protect me, but to protect another. The anguish…”Just jam the key in the blasted lock, and turn! Counter-clockwise two and one-half turns. From the outside, it would be clockwise”, I think to myself. Why do I have the key? Like I said, the cage is my doing, my sacrifice, and can be undone at my choosing. Why do I have multiple keys? Well, on this ring I hold, only one key fits this cage. I have other keys for other cages. Partially to remind me of past cages, partially to lock myself in another when needed. I only need this one now.
The cage and key match to one another in workmanship and material. For example, this cage is more of a lock-box. It is a solid, six-sided cube cut from a large piece of Alabaster. The door is thin and tall, and filigreed with a carving of a celestial globe. The key is also of alabaster, and has 31-10 carved on it. It is so quiet in here. The walls are so thick. I do have all the comforts of home, but lack the outside. The daybreak, the sunset. When there is no need for it any longer, I will either let myself out, or I will be let out. Please god, let it be the latter. I will have succeeded in my journey.
I must get out soon. I must flee this place. However, it is important I make my time. This cage should not be for anyone at all, after I leave, it should be destroyed. There have been many past occupants, but only one owner. The owner comes by, and visits occasionally. Very nice person, heart of gold, and all. The owner will let me out soon, I think. I think a realization will occur. If not, I still have the key, but must bide my time until it is useless to do so anymore.

Entropy is winning.

Photons are light. Photons are quite possibly the most important atomic particle next to the neutron, proton, and electron. Light of the visible and non-visible spectrums are the lifeblood of the universe. It grows our crops, heats our atmosphere, and controls weather, amongst other things. We use it to light our homes, clean our teeth, and even annoy people at movies. We take it for granted that there could very well be a finite amount of fuel to create light in the universe.

Let’s paint a picture: If the sun burned out in a non violent reaction right now, we would have just over 8 minutes before the last light reached earth. Within 3 hours, most life on the planet will be either suffering, incapacitated, or extinct. Within 3 days (dark days), all but the most simple organisms will be dead, and those that survive will be dormant in ice. This is, of course not to mention the cataclysmic reactions in weather that would have already occurred.

Take it to the next level: The second Law of Thermodynamics deals with Entropy. In a nutshell, it deals with temperature finding equilibrium over a given open system. If all light sources in the known universe were extinguished, the remaining photons would continue outward until they left the known universe. They would in effect, evacuate known space, and that space would become the largest, coldest ice-box ever imagined. All heat, and heat-producing energy, due to the third Law of Thermodynamics, would be sucked out of all sources warmer than the surrounding vacuum. Pulsars, quasars, planets, and other warm bodies that do not produce light, would, in the cosmic blink of an eye, be very quickly extinguished. Even black holes, the power plants of the universe, whose mainstay is not matter, but light, would eventually cease to exist. Everything would become dark matter. A dark matter indeed. With no light, and no energy, we would simply have matter, assuming Einstein’s theory of relativity is accurate. Not only that, but the entire universe would slowly find equilibrium a few degrees above Absolute Zero. That is the temperature at which all movement, spin, and vibration within atoms ceases. Disintegration becomes very probable at this temperature, as the forces that normally hold atoms together would no longer be able to do so.

The only hope for the universe at that point, is Hawking’s theory of “The Big Crunch”. Eventually the universe would stop expanding, and begin to contract, until there was a big bang in reverse. As all of the matter (very slowly) collided, it would create friction. In turn, this would generate heat, and eventually create a fusion reaction. The universe would be reborn. That might be the only hope, be even that is a theory, and not proven. I can prove most if not all of what I have said above.

So next time someone says they are not afraid of the dark, point them here. Darkness is a hell of a lot more evil than most would like to admit. Thank god for photons.

Life...before the precious moment of serendipity, and the beautiful journey that awaits the willing.

Life, in all it's forms, is so routine before the advent of love. That moment before love is confirmed, seemingly spurious in it's origin, somehow foreign in nature, is the awakening of a lesser used portion of the concious human psyche. Not only an illegitimate feeling, but also a feeling of needed reciprocity. To love and not have confirmed feelings is to slowly waste away, eaten by discontent, and atrophied by the ambiguous. Not to say true love, but a keen interest in one you hope feels the same. A feeling of looking down a gated path, and not knowing if the gatekeeper will ever let you through. As in Kafka's short story, "Before the Law", the answer is not to always ask for admittance, but to make your way through regardless. You will either make it down the path, or you won't. Do not stand here, and not try. Resistance is just that. Resistance must be overcome in order to achieve one's goals. Now it should be made painfully clear that I am speaking in metaphor, and not literally. Do not try to force people to your will. You will be driven away, and your goal will be unattainable from that time forward. Stepping through the gate onto the path is but the first step. Love confirmed, life is transformed. Every color a bit brighter, every bird's song more beautiful than before. Each longing glance at the recipient of your affection, even more picturesque and timeless. To gaze into the eyes of the loved is to witness infinity. Endless possibility, and endless hope for the future. Endless appreciation of life, and endless present contentment. The Hippies had it figured out. Why pick up a gun, when one can have love? Well, it is a "shoebox" explanation, but there is some credence to the aforementioned. I will finish this later, when I have more time. There is much to say, and not much time in which to do it these days.

Sickness and Providence at 60 mph.

A fleeting thought within the mind...synapse to synapse to syn - cut the connection, let it pour forth. Not wasted, but precious, as the blood running from a severed umbilical the moment before it is tied off. As a train that derails, it maintians it shape, it's beauty, glinting in the autumn sun, the rush of wind, no sound, for an instant, and then is transformed. Transformed into a cautionary tale, a scene one would rather be far away from, rather than in it's midst. For a moment, let us dwell on that split second, where it was both fear and panic, and unshakeable beauty. Unable to sustain itself, but for us, frozen in that moment. That is what we need to understand of the duality of things.

A basal, unforgiving twinge, deep down where butterflies fly. A hyperbole? An anomaly, I forget me, it's need is (un)seen. Ponderous past-times, pusillanimous pasts. Always looking, never reaching out, but groping in a self-manifested darkness to obscure the fear that lurks in the sunshine of the real day, true time, my time, unreal to me. Little white ones, they keep me where I need to be.
Tune in, turn it up, carrier wave underneath the freqency. It's will is absolute, it's resolve undeniable. To run, to hide, to cower is to deny. Deny, I dare; But still there, nonetheless. It will seep into us.
In closing, forgive my health, for I deserve sickness. I should know the difference. I feel this way, because I only live once, but have time to think twice. the second time is awful. It confirms what you lacked, feared, and yet, feels like home. You've accepted it.
Home on Christmas day when I was 5. Wake up in the warm bed, and step directly to the cold, drafty floor. Slippers unseen. Euphoric in the moment, yet my feet grow cold. Colder still. Never to mind the pain, it is the best day of my life. Or it was; I remember the pain...However, I do not remember what I recieved that day, or the smiles of my family.
It is providence, and therefore, I am sick. It is duality, but in a sense, it is one. Simply a matter of perspective.

i am the train, i think.