Blackout International

Love in Lemuria

Croon, O drunken soul
"Chimera deserve damnation"
Careen toward precipice never-ending
Plunging phantasm (l)end-(l)over-(l)end

Ended.

The love not your own
Deserves desire, not (al)one.
Figments fire burn alight
In darkness of some other's nigh(t)
Distaste disgrace
Heartbeat impure
Resounding, pounding,
for the lovely lemure.
Forget fancies
spectres vanquished
lights alive, flame's truth kind(led)
halt haunted hookahs vaporous veils.
and faint treasures never wanted.
I declare, drunken soul,
Spring's teets engorged, remain pained with wanting
Find an-other rabbit hole
your fate's deeper...

and Fall is coming.

Paint Over Pain (Draft 1)

I'm gonna make it whiter.

I'm gonna make it stronger than it was before.

I'm gonna take tender loving care, and paint over it until it's bare.

I'm gonna kill the feelings from I know not where, and the pain of knowing that it's just not there.

Gently...I paint coat after coat of cold, thick, milkshake-like insulation...

Then I won't have to see it anymore, gaze upon my tales of yore, or scrub the stains until my skin is sore.

Mr. Self-Destruct

I am self-destructive. I get myself centered and happy, only to get knocked out of whack again - By my own choice. Silly, huh? I guess this is taking risks, and that is a good thing, but what about when the risks don't go in my favor? I fall all that much harder, not being prepared for the outcome. At least, when I have acceptance of an outcome that has not yet come to pass, I can prepare myself. Normally, that is my modus operandi. I operate on controlled risks. Well, at least I used to. Lately, I have not. I have tempted fate. I have been burned, and I have basked in the warm glow of the rewards. The truth is, I cannot be this way too often, or with too much. Not at least with anything major. All because I am weak. This is really very ironic... I'm sure when I am feeling better, I will burn this post to the ground. I will spit on the ashes, take a few deep breaths, and in an overly-motivated and almost feral way, stalk toward my new prey. The prey, of course, is more risks of all different sorts. I must be nuts.

-y m-ss-ge is wet.

Love hurts. Simply put, it sucks. Maybe not love, but caring. I tend to get very masochistic after personal relations go wrong. I believe this the cause of my latest mental funk. Sadly, the more times I get hurt, the easier it becomes. That really scares me. Will it eventually become effortless or near-effortless? If it does, will I cease to feel as a genuine person does? Evidently, this is what a continued loss of innocence feels like. How do I even quantify how much innocence I have? This I know...You are born with only so much, and when it's gone, it's gone. It is like a message in a bottle, floating through a torrential ocean. Water, buffeting up against the bottle, slowly seeps in between the cork and glass. My message becomes blurred, and my bottle dips lower in the water. When my bottle takes on too much water, the message is destroyed, and my bottle slips down into the cold, inky depths. When will that familiar sting become so common that it ceases to hurt? When will my bottle sink into the void?

I Need a Head Tumor

I have quite a few things that would be better off forgotten. I have been remembering these past and recent events with such stark clarity that even my dreams are polluted with them. Regret is a bitch, and it only seems to get worse. This is why I try not to make any decision in my life that would cause regret. I have learned the hard way...From my past mistakes. The only real issue I am conflicted with these days is the following: How much is enough? Will I always regret my failures, regardless of the degree of effort I employ in my attempts to succeed? Sometimes, I'm not sure. Other times I am positive I am putting forth enough effort. Like I said, I need a head tumor.

Random Thoughts

Someone is going to disappoint you today. Not that it really matters, every day is a bit of a disappointment anyway.

The weather is getting worse. I don't care what any of you say - it is. I don't think it has anything to do with global warming either.

History is cool...Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them.

Pick up a book today...And actually read it. Better yet, finish it this time.

Sometimes, not trying at all is easier and more comfortable than trying and failing. I must be a glutton for punishment.

I need better meds.